My Dear Rishi,
It has just been over 19 months since I last wrote this blog. As you may or may not remember lot has happened since then.
After loosing both my parents within a year I have been mourning their loss and I was not in right space to put my thoughts and words. Just as I was trying to come to terms with their loss, I experienced a different kind of sadness and void.
It has been over two months since we have had a conversation. I was in Singapore to visit you just before Christmas. I spent a week hoping and waiting to see you, talk to you, hug you, laugh with you and spend whatever precious little time your mother would let me be with you. Rishi,the entire time I was in Singapore I was not able to meet you or see you or spend time with you. I called you every day and try to talk to you, one of the days, you briefly spoke to me in anger and I asked you why are you angry and why you cannot see me, all you said was " I don't know why, but I cannot see you? I don't want to see you ever or talk to you again for rest of my life?". Rishi, I am not even aware of what is happening in your life that you are so angry at me. I cannot even fathom the pain you are in that you have continue to lash out whenever I call you and try to have a conversation. I am truly sorry for your pain, love. When I met you in May you wanted to be with me. What happened?
I only hope and pray for you to find peace love. I love you and miss you very much. Recently, I was praying to help me understand your pain, your anger and I came across following piece of writing. This helped me to heal my sadness to some extent understand what you may be experiencing. I am sharing this with you, hoping some day you will read this and hope, you will let go of your pain.
It has just been over 19 months since I last wrote this blog. As you may or may not remember lot has happened since then.
After loosing both my parents within a year I have been mourning their loss and I was not in right space to put my thoughts and words. Just as I was trying to come to terms with their loss, I experienced a different kind of sadness and void.
It has been over two months since we have had a conversation. I was in Singapore to visit you just before Christmas. I spent a week hoping and waiting to see you, talk to you, hug you, laugh with you and spend whatever precious little time your mother would let me be with you. Rishi,the entire time I was in Singapore I was not able to meet you or see you or spend time with you. I called you every day and try to talk to you, one of the days, you briefly spoke to me in anger and I asked you why are you angry and why you cannot see me, all you said was " I don't know why, but I cannot see you? I don't want to see you ever or talk to you again for rest of my life?". Rishi, I am not even aware of what is happening in your life that you are so angry at me. I cannot even fathom the pain you are in that you have continue to lash out whenever I call you and try to have a conversation. I am truly sorry for your pain, love. When I met you in May you wanted to be with me. What happened?
I only hope and pray for you to find peace love. I love you and miss you very much. Recently, I was praying to help me understand your pain, your anger and I came across following piece of writing. This helped me to heal my sadness to some extent understand what you may be experiencing. I am sharing this with you, hoping some day you will read this and hope, you will let go of your pain.
Crazy
By David Viscott
Being crazy is holding on to pain.
The greater the time elapsed between the hurt and expressing it, the crazier you are.
Unforgiven hurt fuels angry fantasies that make you doubt yourself and infect your thinking with unspeakable retaliation, bad dreams, and an uneasiness of the soul.
You feel especially crazy when you doubt your goodness, for then you're always lost and the center of your life no longer holds.
The time you seem craziest to others is when you vacillate before making a decision.
Crazy is being torn between two masters, two conflicting ideals.
"Can I be for myself without alienating and risk loosing your love"?
You never feel more crazy than when people lie to you.
And when people lie about loving you, they hurt you the most.
Being crazy is not knowing what to believe.
There is no imprisonment worse than being bound to a crazy person, for then you can only be real by paying a price.
The way to become crazy is to try to please everyone at all the time.
The only freedom from craziness is telling the truth.
Rishi I love you very much and miss you. Rishi, I hope and pray one day you realize you need to be courageous and seek out the truth for yourself. When you do, my love, I would suggest you re-read this letter to you, believe in yourself and believe that:
Only my voice can tell my truth.
Only my truth can heal my world.
I ask God, the Universe to let my prayers, healing thoughts,my unconditional love reach you and you feel them soothing you. I love you so much.
Rishi all I wanted to be in this world is to be your dad, nothing else mattered, no other titles...The following video sums up my feelings.
Rishi I love you all the way from here to Singapore to moon and back. I miss you son.
God Bless
With lots of love, hugs and kisses
Dad
